©2010-

©2010-

©2010-

I can feel it.. getting colder now..

The midnight eyes have me in their sights now...

They can see me.. why can't I see me?

Let me out.. let me out of this fucking cage you call a mind...

I've got bars over my eyes and a lock on my heart... let me out....

I'm not crazy.. I'm not crazy.. I'm not c r a z y... I'm not... am I..?

Insanity or In Sanity?

Watching the leaves fall from the tree.. outside my eyes...

Autumn to icicles..  Sickness to death...

You never believed in me..

You never ever beLIEved in me....

I never believed in me...

I cannot believe in something that's not real...
Real..?
    REAL...
          R e a l . . .
               What IS real.. how does one define real...?
             Something that exists? What are grounds for existence? Air is real, but we cannot see it or
          Touch it with our hands. Isn't that what we need for something to be real in America? If we
        Can't touch it with our own hands, it cannot be real.

                                                                                   In America
                                                                                  Love is Fake
                                                                               Unless You Can
                                                                                     Touch It...
                                                                  Expensive Presents That Can Be
                                                                                 T O U C H E D
                                                                      So Your Love Must Be True
                                                                        Fuck the American Dream
                                                                                      Fuck You
                                                                              I Will Not Become
                                                                    A Part of Your Fascist Nation
                                                                   With Your Bible-Belt Beatings
                                                                      And Nazichrist Propaganda
                                                                          This is Not My World
                                                                      This is Not My World
                                                                   This is Not My World
                                                                This is Not My World
                                                      This was Never My World

                                              I Will Not Be Crucified by Your Bible Fiction
                                         I Will Not Be Raped by Your Cruci Fiction
                                    I Will Not Be Sedated by Your Fixation With Crucifixion
                                I Will Not Listen To Your Cruci-Fixation

Your            I Will                                                           I Can
Jesus           N o t                                                            N o t
Does           Become                                                       Believe
N o t            Addicted                                                    In Some
Scare           To Your                                                      One who
M e              Bible Narcotics                                         N e v e r
                                                                                         Belived in Me

This is not you.. this is not me...This is not you.. this is not me...
    This is not you.. this is not me...This is not you.. this is not me...
        This is not you.. this is not me...This is not you.. this is not me...
    This is not you.. this is not me...This is not you.. this is not me...
This is not you.. this is not me...This is not you.. this is not me...

                                  This a dagger of reality, headed straight towards your heart
                                 This is a knife of horrible truth, made to tear you apart
                                  
                        Who are Y o u . . . ?
                   Do you truly know what you are... ?
           Behind that Sunshine hello and those shim-shimmer shine teeth
      Behind the mother(fucker) act, behind the fake-carings and ice-sculpture idols...
   Behind your mask of righteousness... When the book closes and the church is empty...
When  you cannot dress to impress... When you're alone and no one can hear your tears...
                        Who are Y o u . . . ?
                  Do you truly know who you are... ?
              Behind the suicide smiles and razorblade glances....
           Behind your militaristic office desk, with your serpentine tongue, in your tower of dreams
        Behind those hide-all wooden doors, does your fake face ever crack.. just a little..?
      Or have you become so entangled in yourself that you cannot escape...
    Have you become what you truly are, what you truly want to be...
  Or are you simply a symptom of a dying world..
Just another sign of withdrawl from a society running on the Christ-O-Matic death machine
Keep it well oiled, of course, with fresh lies and sins and scapegoats...
Wouldn't want the Christmachine to stop now...
Feed the fire.. feed the lies... feed the corruption...
Feed the mindless herd of workers that so diligently and without thought, keep The Machine running

...Scream it from God's very mouth..

God is the Tv and the Tv is God.

God Will Speak HIS Word Through You
God Will             HIS Word                 You
God                        IS                             You

The Machine Speaks Through God.  The Machine Is God.
God is The Machine. The Machine is Man.
Man is the Devil. The Devil is The Machine.
The Machine is America. America is The Devil.

But the only devil is America's fascination with the idea that we are better than everyone.
Newsflash: The entire world is making jokes about us, you stupid redneck motherfuckers.

I've grown tired of this dead skin.. I need to shed it to become.. to become...
To become a worm.. a worm that will infect the God-American way of life...
Gestating inside it's warm, complacent, sugar-filled belly... Growing.. changing...
Stronger and more powerful every day..  Waiting for the moment to tear the flesh..
Rip apart the fabric of the passivity that this world has, shielding its eyes from the truth
Open your eyes, look around you.. This is not the beautiful Garden of Eden..
This is not the world you wanted... This is not the world you thought it was..
It will not change on its own..
Cut the cord on The Electrochrist Machine. Think for yourself. Do you even remember how?
Don't believe anything you hear or see.. Find out for yourself.. Make up your own mind.

You may hate the things I have to say. You may love the things I had to say.

The world doesn't care either way.

As long as you are thinking for yourself. Basing opinions on proven fact and not on the sugarcoated cardboard media spewed forth from the Propaganda box, every night at 5 and 11pm.
Open your mind. See the world, try new things. There truly is more to life than All-American apple pie and hot dogs... Don't be afraid to meet someone who is different than you. They may teach you something. Do you even remember how to let someone teach YOU something? Or are you too far gone into the 'If they're not american.. they are wrong' way of thinking... Open your eyes.. most of the things we have and take for granted, were invented by non-americans. Open your fucking eyes to the world. Burn the flag of American bigotry... burn the church of judgementalists.. burn the cross of discrimination. Open your fucking eyes... unless you want to continue with the ever-escalating Church-State-Democracy... Of course you do.. you're too fucking blind to care... too blind to see.

Someday your tourniquet of christ will wear thin and you will bleed to death from the truth...
Someday your tele-christian will tell you to kill yourself.. mindlessly, you comply, without a thought...
Someday your world will come crashing down when your eyes are opened to the burning reality...
Someday you will see who I am..

I am just a voice..

...a voice of reason...a voice of insanity.. a voice inside each of us.. a voice trying desparately to break to the surface...

I am everything you are afraid to see... I am everything you fear in life.. I am the dirtiest ground and I am the blackest black... I am the filthy words that you won't let your children hear... I am the bloody images on the news that you and your family watch with excitement... I am the poor parts of the world that you pretend to care about, but in which would never set foot to help... I am the filthy, disgusting pornography that you hide from your children, but love to watch when they're away...I am the worm in the perfect apple...  I am the sum of all that's wrong in the world.. I am a model of your hatred.

I Am You.

I traced your name into the dust
That covers everything around me
As I dwell in this comfortable darkness
And pretend that we're still "Us"

Say you love me
Such a beautiful lie
Say you love me
Such a beautiful lie

Such a beautiful lie
Just let me live in this dream one more day
What a perfect disguise
What a perfect demise

Such a beautiful lie
Living in a world you've made-up
Don't ever let me wake up
How could you let me wake up?

Lie to me, I don't even care anymore
Just let me live under your false pretenses
Can't we exist in a world of make-believe happiness and cut-out paper hearts?
Take me back to a time when I felt alive and you would...

Say you love me
Such a beautiful lie
Say you love me
Such a beautiful lie

Such a beautiful lie
Just let me live in this dream one more day
What a perfect disguise
What a perfect demise

Such a beautiful lie
Living in a world you've made-up
Don't ever let me wake up
How could you let me wake up?

I don't care if you're fake, lie to me
I don't care if it's fake, cry for me
I don't care if you're fake, lie to me
Just let me think you care, just one more time

Say you love me
Such a beautiful lie
Say you love me
Such a beautiful lie

Such a beautiful lie
Just let me live in this dream one more day
What a perfect disguise
What a perfect demise

Such a beautiful lie
Living in a world you've made-up
Don't ever let me wake up
How could you let me wake up?

Just make me think you care, just one more time...
Just one more time.. please...

Hope is fading...
Hope is fading..
Hope is fading.
Hope is falling

Darkness surrounds me,
Losing touch with who I am
Negativity, silently overwhelming
Sheltered passivity, hiding within myself
Fighting these demons, trying to so hard to suffocate
Fires inside, tears burning memories onto the retinas

Will anybody hear me?
This time...
Can anybody help me?
This time
This time I'm going under

So sick of starting, so sick of starting over
Just want this to be over, just want this to be over
I want me to be over

Cold and unfeeling,
Slowly overtaking who I am
Hold onto this feeling
But I don't know what it takes to be a man

A heart can only be torn so many times, before it starts dying
Please, please...
Bring me back to life, save me from myself
A mind can only take so many painful memories, before it stops trying
Please, please...
Please take me from this place, save me from myself

Hope is fading...
Hope is fading..
Hope is fading.
Hope is falling...

Apart

The flashing lights shine brightly upon her face
They are teasing her, mocking her
The star atop the great pine glares down at her
A menacing dictator

This is not Christmas, this is hell
The multitudes of lights look like eyes
His eyes.
Burning through her soul.

Memories...

These days used to hold such meaning, such love...
Together in this very room, adorning the tree with merry embellishments
Sounds of laughter, joyous thoughts of love filling the air
Together, a lovers' embrace by the crackling fire

Memories...

Lying on the floor now, staring at the ceiling,
This room feels like a tomb
The images keep playing through her mind
Slowing her heart a little more with each passing second

Memories...

A table, still set for two, lies untouched
The lone candle in the center, has long since gone out
Leaving the flashing bulbs to be the only illumination
Shining red upon her beautiful, motionless face

Memories...

Take the Knife
Stab it in my Face
The Feeling is As Beautiful as a Setting Sun
That Will Bring a Silent Night,
And Once More Bring the Dawning of a New Day in my Life.
Burn Out My Eyes with Your Emblazoned Face
The Sight is like Pulling the Dead from the Ground,
Only to Then Realize That They are Dead
There is Nothing More That Can Be Done

What's Done is Done
What's Dead is Dead
Alive is not Dead
Dead is not Alive

Think More Breathe Less
The New Mindset for the New Generation
Streamline, Deconstruct and Rebuild it Again
But it Will Always Be the Same
Repackage and Resell, but It's Still the Same Devil

Staring into the Dark Skies Ahead,
I See Pain, Yet I See the Most Glorious Light I've Ever Known
Perhaps it's a New Day Dawning, a New Found Hope...

... Or maybe it's just the fires of hell...

It's the end of the world, but I'm laughing in your face.
If I have to die tonight, I just wanna die.. alone...
We can never die.. That may be true, but I can.

This disease I call a heart is growing numb to the world.
My stitches have come undone and my scars are alone.
I'm not going to look back.
I'm not going to look back.
I'm not going to look back
FUCK.

My mind is a broken blister.. ugly and painful to the touch...
Yet turns to callousness and becomes stronger.
This death should be a new beginning...
But it feels like the first time..
It feels like the last time...
This state of emptiness has my heart as it's capitol
I think I want to secede from the Union of life..
The smiles on my wrists have disappeared, but I can still feel them.. stronger than ever

I see a light at the end of the tunnel... It's get closer...

Fuck.

Or is it just an oncoming train... to bring more pain?

My guardian angel fell asleep at the wheel..
And crashed my mind into the wall of harsh reality

Stick the needles in my brain.. pick me apart...
Help me get this disease out of my head..
I'm trying, but it always seems to stay

Fuck these images in my head..
Forever flashing through my mind
The voices loop over and over like a broken record intent on killing me
killing me.. killing me... killing me.. killing me... killing me.. killing me.. killing me..
This time.

My back is tearing,

My wings are coming now

My hatred's staring

Right back at me now

The end is coming

The final moments are here

Violence calling

Eternal darkness is near

Blackened out the sky

With all my hate

Poison in the air,

I can't think straight

Separate the maggots,

From beneath the skin

Kill off the parasite

That's killing from within

Looking into the eyes

The eyes of the world

You are all nothing but ticks and leeches now

I woke up today and my shattered windshield was fixed.. I could see everything so much more clearly...

My Razorblade breakfast didn't taste as sweet today.. perhaps it's stale?

Or perhaps I've grown tired of it..

The winds of change blow through the trees of hope today..

I can hear the sounds of life in stereophonic surround sound, now that the screams of fear have stopped their daily barrage every Mourning...

The morgue at which my mind had been kept, said it was alive.. that was unexpected..

The sun was black in the sky as if in resenting the fact that I am alive..

"Fuck You, Sun"

The world's lights went out..

The morphine dripped  s l o w l y  into my IV...

Drip.

Drip..

Drip...

Drip....

It amused me.. The morphine bag said "Love" on it.. I thought that to be rather amusing..

The room is dark.. It is quiet.. My deadlights have gone out.. my deadlights are out..

Death has abandoned me.. but Life is running late..

There's no going back now..

Or is there?

It's all over..

But it's all just beginning..

Maybe I'm DEAD.. maybe I'm alive...

Maybe I've been reborn...

Who knows..

Who cares..

My deadlights have gone out and I'm just fine.. I can see just fine through this cracked windshield beside my bed...

Wait.. it's a window...

Wait.. it's not a bed..

Who are all these people.. why are they looking at me so sadly...?

Why is it so bright.. my d e a d l i g h t s have gone out.. it cannot be bright...

They are gone.. they are gone.. they are hollow like the eyes in front of me..

Wait.. they are my eyes.. where am I? Who...?

This not me.. this is not me..

This road is not the way home.. this is not the way.. My deadlights have gone out.. officer, please take me home..

I cannot find my way.. the morgue says NO VACANCY and I need a place to die for the night.

Excuse me, sir, do you have the time? Or are you too busy staring [TEARING] at me too?

Why are the flowers dead? Why are all the flowers dead?

They are not flowers.. they are children

Why are all the children dead?.

WHY are ALL the children DEAD??

Where are their mothers.. ? Did they throw them away like the soiled sheets they wrapped their aborted lives in...?

Why are the children dead..? Why do they look so happy?

Why is all the happiness dead..? Why do they look like children?

My heart is a piece of glass..

Cutting everyone it touches.. but broken so easily..

The light would shine upon your beautiful face... but it cannot.. because my deadlights have gone out..

Or are they just off..

Mother.. where are you.. where were they? Help me find my way back home.. but where is home..

Home is where the heart is.. But my heart is in my chest.. Am I always at home? I do not feel so at home here.. it's so cold.. or maybe I make it cold.. I wish he would stop staring at me.. Officer, thank you for helpingme to the morgue, but would you make the dead man stop staring at me...  His eyes are needles and they pierce my soul.. they shatter my windshield again.. I thought I could see clearly.. even with my black deadlights..

Maybe I can..

Maybe I was wrong

I'm in love.. I'm in love.. I can be in love.. can I be in hate with someone? Why not? Don't you see the silver grin on their graffiti faces as they stare from behind the filthy glass...

Officer.. please take me home.. I am at home, but home is not here.. it said "please leave your shame and number after the beep and I'll stab you in the back as soon as possible..thank you"

Officer.. please PLEASE take me home.. It's so dark out with this fucking sun.. I can't see anything with all these people staring at me from in the mirrors.. I can't see.. they just mock me from their cold glass tombs..

MY DEADLIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT

MY DEADLIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT

MY DEADLIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT

MY DEADLIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT

MY DEADLIGHTS HAVE GONE OUT

My home is here.. my home is not here..

My love is here.. My hate is there...

Death has abandoned me.. but Life is running late.. He must have forgotten to set his alarm.
I've done that before.. and I didn't wake up til it was too late.. I realized all the things that I was killing, but it was too late.. because I didn't set the alarm..

AND I WOKE UP TOO LATE...

Pain.. what is the difference between pain and pleasure.. IS THERE a difference?

Perhaps not..

Some people tell me I am not RIGHT in the HEAD...

But I don't know...

I KNOW I'm not LEFT...

But what IS LEFT??

Life..

Life is left..

But life is running late...

Fucking alarm clock..

He had better hurry up...

I'm getting Impatient.. or am I IN-PATIENT...?

The doctors say I am..

They tell me that when they turn on my DEADLIGHTS...

But they don't really know.. They can't see through this windshield they call my mind...

My windshield is fixed now... But what is there to see..?

Nothing because the deadlights are off.. There's no one there.. Death used to comfort me..
But now death has abandoned me.. and Life is running late

What if life never comes..? What if after I finally give life a chance.. Life gives up on me..?

It's so cold in here.. Tell him to quit looking at me..It's my windshield.. he can't see through it..
Officer, tell him to stop.. Nurse.. tell him to stop..

FUCKING TELL HIM TO STOP....

My windshield is fixed now, but I don't want to see..

I just want to get a room for the night, but the morgue says "NO VACANCY"...

So I want to go home now..

But I don't know where "home" is...

And my deadlights are out and I don't know.. Officer.. take me home.. Officer.. take me in.. But you cannot..

I am all alone.

Death has abandoned me.. and Life is running late

I woke up today and my shattered windshield was fixed..

I could see everything so much more clearly...

But death has abandoned me.. and Life is running late....

TO: A Society Who Never Ever Believed In Me

Dear Sheep,

I have become a hollow shell of what I once was. The hatred is overcoming and I have become a symptom of your hate. I am the end result of your wars and your anti-everything. I am the victim of a world that never cared, a victim of your blood-soaked news.

I have become what you have come to fear. I am the anti-savior in a world of false faith, false hopes and false gods. I am the aborted fetus of a thing called democracy, that you wrapped in newspaper and tossed in the dumpster, hoping no one would notice.

This is your world that I've been borne into and this is what I've become. A twisted creature full of hatred, broken dreams and dead idols. A monster wrapped up in the burning stars of Hollywood and the plastic beauties on the cover of the magazines. An outcast among the popular, dead among the living. But who am I really?

Who am I? Look into the mirror and stare into the cold, unfeeling eyes that stare back at you.

Who am I? Stare blankly at the horrific news and all the blood and violence being played like Sunday school....

Who am I? Look at the children bringing handguns into school.. where did they get them?

Who am I? Look at the kids doing drugs on the street, did you even care where they were?

Who am I? Look at your daughter in her room slicing her arms with a razorblade, where were you when she needed you?

Who am I? Look at the gay boy who committed suicide as a result of the constant barrage of insults and threats he received everyday...

Who am I? Look at the freaks with the piercings and tattoos.. they can't be good people, because they look different and don't follow your perfect plan, right?....

Who am I? Look at the president, who in his short presidency is trying to change the constitution, Social Security, taxes, and add a dictator of security..

Who am I? Look at number of murders everyday in the newspaper...

Who am I? America. I AM YOU. I AM THE SCARRED AND BLOATED UNDERBELLY THAT YOU TRY TO HIDE. I AM THE SKELETON IN YOUR CLOSET. I AM THE TRUTH AND THE LIES. I AM YOU IN ALL OF YOUR FUCKING GLORY.

This is Your World in Which We've Grown and We Will Grow to Hate You...

Your face, strangely familar, staring at me

The blackness in your eyes pours out like the insincerity in your voice

The sun has gone cold.

The sky has gone black.

The world has come down.

I see you smiling at me, with that razorblade grin

I hear you scream like a thousand yesterdays

But I don't want to hear you, for I block you out now and forever.

All eyes look to me as I introduce blade to wrist

It is an enthusiastic meeting. A meeting of minds. A meeting of forever.

The world watches through the mirror as I make my wrists smile.

The blood runs down my arm in a stream of liquid fire, it's beautiful.

The face in the mirror is horrid and distorted, looking at me with disgust.

The face in the mirror is hollow and soulless, looking at me with sadness

The face in the mirror is my own.

I see you smiling at me, with that razorblade grin

I hear you scream like a thousand yesterdays

But I don't want to hear you, for I block you out now and forever.

The blackness in your eyes pours out like the insincerity in your voice

The sun has gone cold.

The sky has gone black.

The world has come down.

The world has come down.

The sky is a beautiful expanse of loneliness,

The stars blink at me like a million eyes, asking

Who am I? Why am I here? What purpose do I have in this vast expanse that is life?

The more I look into the eyes of god, the more I feel myself being pulled into self-doubt.

What if I am nothing? What if I am the only one on this god-forsaken planet that really cares?

What if this is all simply a reality based around me? What if the people in China don't really exist? What if it is all simply in the mind's eye? My simple eyes which cannot comprehend all of this vastness...

A cool breeze blows across my face as I continue to look skyward into the realm of dreams and fantasy....

The sky is exceptionally beautiful from this area, away from the murderous street lights and other unnatural illumination... Here, it is simply open sky, and darkness...

The beauty of it all is incredible... I feel like the stars.. One unrecognizable, one unspectacular star amongst a sea of millions and millions of stars--Non more special than the other, all lost in the blackness of eternity...

The thought of the millions and millions of miles that my eyes can see.. all the billions of stars in the sky.. the thought that at that exact moment, any one person, hundreds of miles away, could be looking at the very same sky, and these very same stars and thinking the very same things....

I look over at her... She is still looking upwards, as I had been doing. I kiss her cheek and she looks towards me. She kisses me and smiles.

"I wonder if this is what eternity feels like." she says. I smile at her and tell her that I love her. She holds me tighter and snuggles in closer as we both close our eyes...

I love you.

©2004-

My heart bleeds all over your pretty white dress,

But you don't care, you don't care

We love being together in this mess

Together now, forever now

For always, my heart still bleeds

For you, for me

Forever and eternity

Stitch up this motherfucking heart

And mend the pieces that were once torn apart

Look into your eyes and I'm there

Break away from all this dark and despair

Deeper...

Deeper...

Deeper...

Into this love

Into your soul, into my heart

Forever will never be long enough

Forever, will never ever be long enough

Deeper...

Deeper...

Deeper...

Into your heart, into my mind

Our souls are so intertwined

Forever now, forever now

Your love drills into my heart...

Deeper...

And Deeper...

Deeper...

And Deeper...

Until My heart bleeds all over your pretty white dress,

But you don't care, you don't care

We love being together in this mess.

©2004-

I can feel myself die,

As I look into her eyes,

But this kind of death is a welcome change,

From the death of heart that I've endured lately

This death is the end of heartache, it is only my pain that dies

It is only my hopelessness that dies

As I look into her eyes

It is only my lonliness that leaves

It is only my hatred that dies

My soul is revived.

Rising from the dead, it rears it's ugly head

Looking upon all whom will see

However it is blind to all, but her.

Her whom resurrected him,

Her whom allowed him to be

She whom gave him a reason to live

The mist surrounding him disappates slowly as they walk towards each other. She looks into his eyes, he looks into hers. They touch hands. They look into one another's eyes once more... They look to the sky... the moon is full, the time is now.

They combust in a matter of seconds. Locked in an embrace, whilst being bathed in flames. They did not seem to mind, as they made passionate love in the fire.

It's haunting me... Do not look into my eyes, the grey will cloud them, as I stare intently at them, and the flames, and the love and the pain. It is horrible, yet beautiful.

©2004-

These four walls,
Felt so real
They'd given back,
So I could feel
Now in light, broken down,
All these dreams that I had found

But for you, I'm still alive
I can't see, but I still try
Head over feet, mind over matter,
I'll be there as our world shatters

Breaking away...
Can't take this pain, evryday
Take it away...
I just want something good to hold on to
Faking today...
That I'm fine, just for you
Hating today...
I just want something real to hold on to

©2004-

Awakening from this dream, who am I?

Celluloid fears fill my head as I see the truth,

My memories flash like a polaroid,

The darkness smiles at me as I'm rapt in misery

My own conscious slits my throat with a laugh as I stare into the night sky

The stars look at my with a smug look of, who the fuck are you?

My life is a dark room, a cold hollowed-out shelter that never seems to be enough to protect me from the throes of reality

The tears burn down my face like fires from the river styx

My eyes stares into eternity... or do they stare into nothing?

A glimmer of hope shines from the weathered table nearby

I look to the razorblade and say to it, Will you be my destruction?

The stars look at me approvingly. My conscience cheers me on.

My mind tells me to do it. The ever-ticking clock on the wall chimes in.

But my heart, as cold as it may be, brings my thoughts to another.

Another whom, in time, will release me from this eternal damnation.

My eyes look up and I see her there. Her face shines like an angel.

She is gone. But she is always here. Always here with me.

Inside my heart. Her voice is cellophane to cover my mistakes.

I fell into the scars of yesterday, but climbed back to the untouched flesh of today.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight sky. Goodnight moon.

Goodnight world, and greetings from me.

©2004-

I want to drift into outerspace
I just want to leave this vile place

Stars above, the scene, serene

Shooting stars, calm scene

Everything just as it seems

Follow me... into dreams

Out here, I can see the truth
Everything silent

Looking back, upon the earth

Everything violent

But here, it's so dark, yet light

My eyes shine with eternal night

It's quiet, it's deafening
Listen to the sirens as they sing

Space, so dark, cold and lonely

Peace inside, if only...

©2004-

We interrupt this program of worm-infested american apple pie to bring you this important announcement...

Message to the American People:

Quit fucking hating everything and everyone.
QUIT FUCKING JUDGING PEOPLE based on your own misinformed stereotypes.

OPEN YOUR FUCKING MINDS... Listen to something different.. a different religion, a different type of music, a different culture, custom, watch something different.. read a different book.. instead of going along and hating something because everyone else does, DO SOME FUCKING RESEARCH.. find out for your fucking self.. Instead of worrying about what style is "in" this year (week), fucking wear something you LIKE.. not because it's cool.. but because you truely LIKE it..

QUIT BEING SO FUCKING RESTRICTIVE.. there's a difference between thoughtful restrictions.. on things such as music and tv.. understandable are the censoring of the word FUCK and the like, but to begin banning cds for these things, and a psycho-christian-values "crackdown" on indecency on tv and radio, etc. is just blind censorship....

ABOUT THE WAR.. don't fucking listen to what everyone else thinks.. DO YOUR OWN FUCKING RESEARCH.. ask questions.. don't immediately believe everything you hear.. Question everything... listen to all sides of a story.. don't jump the "bandwagon" because it's 'cool' to hate the war.. or because it's 'cool' to support it.. make your own fucking decisions..

ABOUT BUSH.. Personally, I dispise the man.. but don't jump the "I hate Bush" bandwagon.. find out where he stands on issues that are important to you.. find out what he's done for the economy in relation to our past presidents.. find out these things THEN decide if you hate him..

ABOUT AMERICAN FLAGS.. Jesus fucking Christ.. if you have an American flag on your car/truck/house window because you truly are patriotic, then that's cool. If you have 20 on your car, it's probably because you are just trying to appear incredibly patriotic.. It wasn't til after Sept. 11th, that this started to become an issue, and not to downplay that incident, but after that it seemed like there was a fucking competition for "who can put the most and biggest flags on their cars".. I mean it got fucking ridiculous... and it still is to a point...

ABOUT MUSIC.. don't so closed-minded.. listen to everything.. give everything a chance.. if you don't like it. fine.. but at least you gave it a chance.. not that music has a chance after most of American is raised with radio music drilled in their heads.. THERE REALLY IS OTHER MUSIC BESIDES WHAT'S POPULAR... REALLY.. I SWEAR...

©2004-

This was written a long time ago and is definitely... strange. and no I wouldn't do this... probably.

My hair is slicked to my face as the rains pours down.. but I continue on..Carrying her lifeless form in my arms.. she is beautiful. I love her...

                                                                             I love her..

                                                                                                I...

I.. wish it didn't end like this...

Work was slow today and they let me go home several hours early... On the way, I passed by a flower shop...Flowers.. I'll surprise her with flowers... I decided on a single red rose... I went to our house..
The sky was growing dark...

I quietly unlocked and opened the door, so I could surprise her..The house was silent...I looked out the window...

The sky grew still darker.. a storm was coming

I walked quietly up the stairs to the bedroom and opened the door...

What the fuck? Who was this? Who is in my bed with my girlfriend?

"I can explain..."

Fuck.

a surge of violent rage....
and it was over.. they were both.. bloody... lifeless...dead...

I looked down at her... Sweetheart.. why? Why? I love you.. I LOVE you. See? See?.. I slid the thorns of the rose against her face... drawing blood.. See? This is for you.. You can have it. I love you, baby. I kissed her still-warm, lifeless lips.. I love you. I wrapped her naked body in the sheet and kissed her again. Picking up her limp body, I carried her down the stairs...
I love you so much... I know.. I know.. it wasn't your fault. He made you do it.. I understand. Really. I do. But it's better this way. You understand... Of course you do.

I smiled at her.. She stared blankly forward. You understand.. I love you. and it has to be this way

Opening the front door, I saw that it was raining now.. the sound of the rain was calming.. The sky was pitch black, except for the jagged streaks of lightening that played on her bleeding face and made it all the more beautiful.

I carried her to the place... Our place... Our special place. She was bleeding through the sheet now. It's okay. Don't worry about it, baby. I can get another sheet. I love you. I love you. I love you..

The sound of the rain on the treetops was near deafening as I pushed through them and towards the clearing in the forest.. that was our special place..

The place where we used to come as children to play.. The place where we came as teenagers to fuck.. The place where I knew I loved her..

The rain was running in my eyes.. I pulled the sheet up over her face, so she didn't get water in her eyes... Is that better, baby? Oh yes. I love you.
It seemed so much further than it had ever seemed. The entire sheet was stained crimson now.. The lovemarks on her face were still bleeding, but the rain washed it away as it came to the surface...

Finally I came to the meadow.. Here we are, darling... Here we are.. Our special place.. Look at me.. I said look at me, goddammit!
I made love to her there.. It was beautiful.. The rain pouring down on our naked bodies.. Together in passion.. Together in love.. I knew she loved it, even if she didn't say anything. The rain covered her body in beads of water.. no it was sweat.. because she loved it.. she stared at me with those beautiful brown eyes.. they stared straight at me.. I knew it was because she wanted me...

After we were done and she had finished, I began to dig at the ground with my hands.. digging... burrowing... digging.. the rain made the dirt moist and easy to dig.. I was covered in mud.. The more of a hole I made, the more it began to fill with water.. I looked at my reflection in the water and smiled.. Yes. I love her.
It took several hours, but I made an opening for her.. I picked her up and kissed her face.. kissed her lips.. I love you. Don't forget that. Do you love me? Yes? Good. Good. Well I'll put you here so that no one else can hurt you. But I'll be back.. every night.. I promise.. I love you
I dropped her body into the hole..Oh. I almost forgot.. this is for you, my love. I love you. You will always be my bloody valentine....

I placed the rose on her chest and began refilling the hole with the dirt.. Her eyes stared at me with a look of love as I tossed the last bit of dirt onto her face.

My hair is slicked to my face as the rains pours down.. but I continue on..

                                                                             I love her..

                                                                                                I...

I.. wish it didn't end like this...

©2004-

Blood on my hands, blood on my face
This is what you've made me

Blood on the ground, blood on the walls

This is what you've made me

Slits on my wrists, scars on my arms

This is what you've made me

Pieces of you... tattered and torn

This is what you've made me

Happy memories of you, now gone

This is what you've made me

My heart turns black for you

This is what you've made me

Sunlight extinguished forever

This is what you've made me

Gun cocked against my head

This is what you've made me

Six chambers, One bullet

This is what you've made me

Pull the trigger...Click

This is what you've made me

Pull the trigger...Click

This is what you've made me

Pull the trigger...Click

This is what you've made me

Pull the trigger...Click

This is what you've made me

Pull the t r i g g e r . . .

Is this what you've made me...?

©2004-

The candles flicker and the light plays upon her beautiful face
I kiss her lips, gently biting them

Moving my kisses to her neck, I pierce the flesh gently

The pretty pretty blood rushes to the surface,

Only to be greeted by the lusting of my lips

She moans in ecstacy as I feed from her

I bite the wound a bit more, deeper this time

She claws at my back as I take in the beautiful crimson

I continue to feed as her fingers begin to draw blood on my back

The feeling of the blood running down my back is wonderful

She pushes me away and takes my arm into her hands

Looking up at me, and then to my arm, she kisses it down to the wrist

Pausing at the wrist, she looks up at me once more before biting into my flesh

The feeling is exhilarating, as always... the feeling is like an instant orgasm...

She sucks at my wrist, drinking the blood as it runs out..

Then she looks up at me again, her face covered in blood...

It is beautiful.

She is beautiful.

We are beautiful.

A cool wind blows , causing the candles to flicker again, as we look into each others' eyes

We kiss, tasting the blood of one another...

The kiss lasts an eternity...

But who cares? We have forever...

We only have forever...

We have forever... Is forever long enough?

©2003-

Between reality and a dream is where I lie today.
Lines blurred with a false security.

Perhaps I am still sleeping, or maybe I'm too dumb to care

The sun rises, but not in my heart.

For inside, there is nothing but darkness with a glimmer of moonlight

The sun's loving rays begin to kiss everything in sight

As the darkness of my soul, remains forever eternal night

The blackest black, the greyest grey

Those are the words which describe me today.

©2003-

I'm so confused..

The light through the darkness is so near.. but it could be an oncoming train.. or it could be pure heaven.. but sometimes.. I suppose it is better not to know.. perhaps not. Who knows? No one.

I am a blank stare on an expressionless face.

I am a dead expression on a blank face.

I am an expression of love on the face of a killer.

I am an expression of death on the face of an angel.

We run from life and truth, fearing the worst.. hiding from it..

But all the while, the best may be killing us.

I am caught like a rabbit in your headlights... hit me.

I am the condemned man in front of your firing squad.. destroy me.

My heart looks more like a knife everyday.

Your pain is my pain.. and our pain is the pain of caring too much.

Too little caring can kill, yet so can too much.

Time is now to heal your wounds.. alone and in darkness.

For whence the wounds have healed, you may find the light.

But do not rush for the light before the wounds are healed,

Or they may very well split at the seams, growing larger and more deadly than they ever were.

For these are not simply wounds of the flesh, they are wounds of the soul.. wounds of the heart and wounds of the mind..

These wounds will take time to heal.. perhaps more time than you realize...

The blood spilled now, is nothing compared to the blood that will be spilled if you don't stitch your wounds now...

While you can.. don't rush into another suicide mission.. heal yourself.

I don't want to see you die again.. for this time it may be much more final.

Be happy.. not for me...

Be happy.. For YOU

Fuck talk about swimming emotions... whirlwind.... flood of thoughts, perspectives, dreams, wishes, emotions...
Emotional scars, ripped and torn...

From within I am bourne

Looking back you were always there

Too blind to see, too dumb to care

The tourniquets of life hold us from bleeding onto one another,

Yet at some point a tourniquet may simply cause the blood to be cut off...

To cure this, the tourniquet must be removed, and the blood allowed to flow freely

This may stain the pretty pearl white floor, but it's the only way to remove the poisons

The poisons of life... the poisons of hate....

Allow the blood to flow and allow it to bleed onto others...

Do not restrain the bleeding, even if you are worried that the blood may stain someone other than yourself...

Perhaps the blood was simply not meant for you...

But perhaps you should not attempt to hold back the flow of blood in an act of selfishness

Perhaps you should allow the blood to flow, and remove the poisons from yourself as well

Perhaps your blood, once rid of the poisons will again flow true...

But you must give it time to remove the poisons

I wish I could see you bleed... I wish you could see me bleed for you....

But first the nurse must allow the blood to flow, and not restrict the flow and hope it will stay with her...

But first you must give it time to remove the poisons...

But first you must give it time...

But first you must give...

But first...

I wish I would be pretty.

I wish I wasn't so worthless..

I wish people liked me.

I wish I wasn't so ugly.

I wish I was happy.

I wish I didn't care so much..

I wish I didn't think so deeply...

I wish I didn't KNOW so much...

I wish I didn't overanalyze...

I wish... I was stronger emotionally...

I wish I wasn't so fucking psycho...

I wish I was normal...

I wish people weren't so judgemental...

I wish .. I could speak up for myself...

I wish.. my blood wasn't so beautiful...

I wish.....

"i wish i didn't fall so hard... because it hurts like hell when i hit the bottom without you..."

I wish... I wish wishes came true.. I wish I didn't know that they don't...

Sometimes I feel so...
Sometimes I feel so...

Sometimes I just....
Fuck it.

The trees are swaying in the wind, beconing me closer...

They motion for me to join them, as the breeze blows through my hair...

But as I draw near, I see the horrific looks upon their faces... They look as if they were dying...

Their eyes are simply blackened holes and their mouth, a jagged crevice from which words seemed to flow...

They spoke...

"Use me, Kill me, Smash me, Fuck me, Hate me, Love me, Erase me..."
They whispered it melodically as if I was intended to take some meaning from this self-destructive chant... I looked at them, quizzically wondering what they wanted...
Suddenly wondering... why am I here? Who am I? Why do the people around me seem to hurt and I do not?... Perhaps it is all perspective.. Perhaps I AM hurting and they are all happy little fauns...

Perhaps...

Perhaps I feel so...

Perhaps I feel so... numb.. I feel so dead... I feel so drained.. I feel so.... fuck it..

The trees slowly stop their motions in the wind as the breeze slows...

I continue on, all the while staring at the moon, partially shrouded by the nighttime clouds....

The crimson smiles on my wrists reminded me how happy I was and where I was going...

The darktime was my favorite time, as of late...

Since...

The trees slowly faded away into the past, as eyes of regret lit up from the darkness...

They stare at me everyday... moreso now than before...

They call to me, "If Only... If Only..."

They stare at me, as if I am a misfit...as if I am a freak...

Why not, I think, I'm a freak to everyone else

The eyes close as the wind picks up once more, bringing with it a deep thick fog of sadness...

The fog is so thick that I cannot see anything...

I stumble blindly forward through the mist... Towards a faint light...

The light grows brighter as I draw near....

The train hits me.

©2003-

Deep in the forest of my mind, burns a fire of inspiration
The fire is always burning, but it never spreads, I can never find an outlet for the flames

The fire is fueled constantly by the ever-changing aspects of life, but never dies, nor does it grow

The fire is fed by a tall slender man, with dark, sullen eyesockets... his hands weary with time

His face is constantly in the shadows of his black hood, which looms just above his eyes

Upon his chest is the charred remains of what is now a blackened heart

Forever in his hands rests a switchblade knife, for the man trusts no one, not even himself

He stares into the flames of eternity for a long while

He sees images of death, life, blood, hate, sex, darkness, light, dreams,

They flash in his eyes as he turns his head to look into the fog surrounding him and the flames...

He writes:

"The fog swirls around me like a cloak of darkness, leaving a clear, narrow path in front of me, as it parted like the Red Sea. The voices on either side of me whispered my name.
All is darkness, save the moon above me and the eerily lit mist I was slowly walking between. I continued on through the misty 'tunnel' towards I knew not what. The voices around me grew louder as I continued on.

My heart beat pounds in my ears.

Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.

Suddenly a huge gust of wind blows down the path, dissapating the mist, revealing the thousands of corpses piled on either side. The voices continue, seemingly from within the piles of bodies. The dark clouds overtake the moon, and the voices stop as all light dies..."

He looks to the sky, then bows his head...

©2003-

The nurse brought the doctor into my room at the hospital.
"I'm sorry", he said, "I'm afraid your patient has passed."
The nurse nodded and left the room as the hospital clergy entered.

Wait! Who has passed? Me? I'm not dead!...
"Father, please bless this poor soul..."

I'm not fucking dead!!! What the fuck??? Jesus Christ!!

"...Amen."

He stood and left the room. A hospital attendant came in and started to roll my bed out the door.

Hey! HEY!! Fucker! I'm not fucking dead!! Can't you fucking hear me?? I'M A-Fucking LIVE!!!
I attempt to sit up and it's as if my body is frozen in place. As hard as I try, my body just doesn't want to do what my brain told it to. The fluorescent ceiling lights of the hallways roll by above me as we head to an unknown location. The attendant is stopped by a doctor. I can see his face as he leans in close for a look at me.
I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD!!! HELLO???
"Frank, don't forget to put this one in the examination room. I'm still not sure why he died. We need to find that out.", the Doctor said carelessly.

"Yes, Doctor."

We're moving again. All I see it what's directly above me, since I cannot move my head or eyes for whatever reason. I can hear the ding of an elevator, the doors opening and I can see the grating on the ceiling of the elevator. I'm not sure if we're going up or down. I believe we're going down. I'm still struggling to get my body to function. The elevator stops and the doors open. I can see a sign above the door we are entering:
MORGUE EXAMINATION ROOM

The Morgue?? What the fuck??!! Fucking fuck!! I'm not FUCKING DEAD!!! DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME!!! I'M NOT FUCKING DEAD!!! I'M FUCKING TALKING, LIVING, I'M NOT A FUCKING CORPSE!!!!!!!!!

The attendant slides me off of the bed onto a cold table of some kind. The lights above me are burning my eyes. I freak out.

HEY MOTHERFUCKERS!!! IS THIS SOME KIND OF SICK JOKE?? SOME KIND OF WIERD FUCKING EXPERIMENT?? I DON'T WANT TO DO IT ANYMORE... IT'S NOT FUNNY. NOT AT ALL. SERIOUSLY. THIS ISN'T FUCKING FUNNY. IS ANYONE FUCKING LISTENING??? HELP ME!!!!!!! HELP... Help... help....
The table I'm on begins to slide in, like a drawer. A click and it's pitch black and cold as fuck. It's completely silent, except for the occasional hiss from, what I guess is a cooling system. What the hell is going on? There is no way they didn't hear me... What the fuck??? What the fuck did I do to deserve this sick fucking joke? What the fuck?? What the hell is...
I begin to slide out again and I'm basked in those hot fucking lights again. I strain to move once more and again am unsuccessful. A face leers above me, observing me. It is the doctor. He leans in close, examining my face...

I'M ALIVE!!! I'M ALIVE!! DEAR GOD, CAN YOU NOT HEAR ME??!!
He moves out of my vision and I hear things being moved around. His face returns to my vision. This time he is holding something, but I can't make out what it is. He moves the snake-neck light in closer and I see it. It's just a marker. He uses it draw some sort of line on my stomach. For some strange reason, I can slightly feel the marker on my skin, yet cannot move. He again moves out of my vision as I struggle one more time to move. Again, he returns to my sight and again is holding something.. different this time... It is a scalpel. I can see as he moves it towards my chest......

©2003-

Heart like a wrecking ball
Smashing away the darkness
Killing the pain

Breaking the cloud
I'm dying to be reborn
Cure the disease
Defeat the infection
I feel these wings tearing at my back
It hurts so much, but the realization is novacaine

I'm addicted to you
That deadly feeling of something new

This is a change, am I deranged?
Perhaps but maybe just like you
I love this but it is so hard
But sometimes the best things
Are the hardest to swallow

So easy to begin, to hard to end
Thus the words for so many things
You have your addictions, I have mine
But maybe.. Just maybe this time

I'm addicted to you
That deadly feeling of something new

You're in my veins, am I insane?
Perhaps but maybe just for you
I love you and it's so easy
But sometimes the best things
In life are all for free

Dead inside, I am alive
No thanks to me
But I thank me anyway
For staying afloat
In this sinking ship of life

Heart like a wrecking ball
Smashing away the darkness
Killing the pain

Smash away the past
Smash away the pain
Smash away the loss
Smash away the death
Smash away everyfuckingthing

Smash me
Smash
Smash me
Smash
Smash me

Heart like a wrecking ball
Smashing away the darkness
Killing the pain

Smash away the past
Smash away the pain
Smash away the loss
Smash away the death
Smash away everyfuckingthing

For you.

©2003-

Sleep flows through my mind
Like liquid lucidity
Memories tease my slumber
Darktime fantasies of times past

Sunbursts and raindrops
Crystal clear memories of yesterday
Memories of a world so far away
Or was it only a dream?

Time seems to continue on without me
Everything is going so fast
But I'm left here
Standing still

[SPOKEN:]
(Go on.
Go without me
I'll just hold you up
I don't want to keep you)

Let me fall
Let me drift back to sleep
Let me remember when life was alive
Before life only meant death

Let me fall
Let me drift back to dreams
Let me remember when life was simple
Before things became so complicated

Let me fall

Dreams of the world so new
Everything was a question
Everyone was so different
All of this was so far away

Moonbeams and teardrops
Fairy tales and happy endings
Seashells and sappy stories
It seemed it would last forever

Time seems to continue on without me
Everything is going so fast
But I'm left here
Standing still

[SPOKEN:]
(Go on.
Go without me
I'll just hold you up
I don't want to keep you)

Let me fall
Let me drift back to sleep
Let me remember when life was alive
Before life only meant death

Let me fall
Let me drift back to dreams
Let me remember when life was simple
Before things became so complicated

Let me fall

Let me fall...

Back to sleep

©2003-

Sleep flows through my mind
Like liquid lucidity
Memories tease my slumber
Darktime fantasies of times past

Sunbursts and raindrops
Crystal clear memories of yesterday
Memories of a world so far away
Or was it only a dream?

Time seems to continue on without me
Everything is going so fast
But I'm left here
Standing still

[SPOKEN:]
(Go on.
Go without me
I'll just hold you up
I don't want to keep you)

Let me fall
Let me drift back to sleep
Let me remember when life was alive
Before life only meant death

Let me fall
Let me drift back to dreams
Let me remember when life was simple
Before things became so complicated

Let me fall

Dreams of the world so new
Everything was a question
Everyone was so different
All of this was so far away

Moonbeams and teardrops
Fairy tales and happy endings
Seashells and sappy stories
It seemed it would last forever

Time seems to continue on without me
Everything is going so fast
But I'm left here
Standing still

[SPOKEN:]
(Go on.
Go without me
I'll just hold you up
I don't want to keep you)

Let me fall
Let me drift back to sleep
Let me remember when life was alive
Before life only meant death

Let me fall
Let me drift back to dreams
Let me remember when life was simple
Before things became so complicated

Let me fall

Let me fall...

Back to sleep

©2003-

Lay the flowers on your grave
Remember what's not there
Pray the rosaries will stay
Burial gown, glassy-black stare

The longest day and the blackest night
My world has gone wrong, nothing's right
Pale white skin and fragile bone
All that separates her, from the unknown

Dying eyes, crushing tears
Loving beauty, stretching years
Holding hands, kissing lips
The simple things, that I will miss

Loving you, forever more
Loving you
Loving you, forever more
Loving you

©2003-

He had once lived in a small mobile home with his mother. It wasn't a bad trailer, but to him, at the age of 6, it was a bit embarrassing. The sides were discolored and it was located on a small piece of land that was bordered by the meeting of not one, but two rivers, and a highway, making it almost an island. To the right, there was one river and a large, rundown building, which for a time, was abandoned and left to rot. Dead center was the trailer and makeshift rabbit cages. If you went left, you came to the other river, which had strange black sand on a sort of 'mini beach', complete with tiny seashells.
Since he had no friends, siblings or neighbors, many days were

spent laying and playing on that beach, Luca remembered. The nearby rocks also gave some excitement, as he oftentimes climbed up the rocks to the highway, or tried to find some kind of precious mineral within the common rocks.

Luca was always dreaming, always optimistic. He always searched the ground for fossils, bones, gold, diamonds, crystals, anything that could be worthwhile. When he wasn't doing this, he was playing with his He-Man toys, usually using the rocks as a natural landscape for his action figure's adventures.

The adventures Luca created were usually of the heroic kind, but sometimes became brutal and violent, with the characters killing other toys for the fun of it. But he was just a kid. He didn't know any better...

Luca remembered many things from that ramshackle home. His mother left for work just as he got up for school, so that left several hours of time to experiment.

He remembered the times he found his mother's pornography videos and watched them with great interest. For a time, watching these consumed a good part of his before-school time...

He remembered the time he went to feed his rabbits and the mother was covered in blood after having eaten all her young.

He remembered a time when he misbehaved at school and was staring at his closet, as was his punishment, and how that poster on his closet door, Little Nemo, The Dreammaster: The Movie, is still burned into his mind to this day. Everytime he got into trouble, he'd be starting at that door and poster. He started to make games out of it, like how many letters are not on this poster. But even that became boring.

Luca remembered a specific time, standing at that closet, that news was on out in the living room.
"...We repeat, Nirvana frontman, Kurt Cobain, is dead from a self-inflicted gunshot wound."
He really didn't know who that was at the time, but more importantly, Luca remembered thinking, Why would someone shoot themselves on purpose?

He remembered hearing about the time that the murdered bodies of two hikers washed up nearby, and the next day, finding two empty canteens tossed on the ground. He gave the canteens to his mother, who then gave them to the police. They said that they were, indeed, from the dead hikers, which then meant the killer could still be nearby. For weeks and even after, Luca lived in fear during those times before school, after school, playing outside, anytime he was alone...

Luca remembered the stray kittens that often found their way under the trailer. He remembered playing with them and being happy as they rested on his head. He found joy in these creatures, because, unlike the children at school, they were completely unbiased and loved him unconditionally... Of course, even they eventually grew up and disappeared.

He remembered all the drawings he used to do. All the time. He would sometimes draw happy things, such as trees, mountains and the like, but usually, he drew fantasy creatures: dragons, dinosaurs, monsters, Godzilla, or drew scenes from slasher movies like Friday the 13th, complete with blood and gore.

He remembered...

"Luca..."

"Luca!"

Snap back to reality.
"Luca, it's time for your medicines," the nice nurse looked at him and smiled. She had large breasts that almost didn't fit her outfit. She was so sweet. She was the model of 'fantasy nurse'. "Ready, Luca? Here's your meds.

Take them, now." Luca swallowed them down with the small plastic cup she handed him.
"Let me see, Luca. Lift up your tongue... Okay, now let me see your wrists... Good, you haven't been picking. Good boy. Okay, I'll see you later, Luca."

Goodnight"
Luca slumped down against the wall.

She closed and locked the door, leaving only a sliver of light to shine on the padded walls and on the razor he had smuggled from the staff closet, which he held tightly in his hand ...

Luca looked down at the razorblade.. thinking... his wrist looked so inviting. It was calling him.. calling him, like the shattered pieces of his past. He clutched the blade in his hand and layed back on the floor, staring at the ceiling....

It had been a heavy winter, a blizzard by most accounts, and with the heavy snow, comes the heavy thaw, and where Luca and his mother were located, between two rivers, on what was nearly an island, wasn't exactly the most friendly of places to be during flooding. But they had been there since 1990, and hadn't been flooded out in 6 years. So, they'd be fine. Or so they thought.
Midnight, the sounds of rushing water awoke Luca. His mother told him to get his things together, they were leaving and quickly. The water almost completely surrounded the trailer, strangely leaving a path from the front door to the car. Luca got most of his things, and went to get his rabbits. "Leave them, we'll be back." Needless to say, they got back just in time to see the water completely covering their home.

Flash forward. Living in motel rooms for about 6 months. Bought a house in the town near where they used to live, Saviorstown. The house was nice, but the largeness of it, brought a sense of loneliness and emptiness that was only heightened by the constant barrage of insults at school.

Luca didn't really care about what was cool. Or rather, maybe he just didn't know, living away from any other kids since he was 6, left him to form his own opinions and style, unaffected by the other children. But of course, the harsh opinions of school kids can kill. Luca was never 'cool', no one ever really liked him, and he wasn't sure why. Mostly it was probably because he was incredibly shy.

He didn't even like talking to the teacher, and absolutely died when he was called to write something on the board.

Sixth grade. School is slowly becoming more like hell everyday and this is the beginning of Luca's downward spiral. Around the age of 12, alot of kids were having girlfriends, and the 'cliques' were slowly beginning to form. Of course, all the girls made sure to point out that Luca was ugly. Anytime he was told to get in a group, the teacher would always have to make a group let him join, because no one ever wanted him in the group.

At that time, you had the "cool kids", the "nerds", and the "dirtys".

The "dirtys" were the complete outcasts, but Luca didn't even seem to fit into that group. So usually, during recess or lunch, he would sit alone and draw. His drawing skills began to develop around this time, and from time to time, someone would talk to him, in relation to his drawings, but that was it.

Luca's grandmother was dying in the hospital, but he tried to continue on with his daily routines, almost appearing as he didn't care about it at all.

His grades began to slowly deteriorate in sixth grade. Up until then, he had gotten almost all straight A's, honor student, he was in the gifted-program for the 'smart kids', but he had begun to lose interest, motivation and any drive he may had once had.

It was this year that he met his only friend thus far, Bobby. Bobby was on the borders of both the 'outcasts' group and the 'nerds' but he and Luca could talk about video games all day. Luca was always happy to see him because it meant he had someone to talk to. But then, of course, tragedy strikes. Bobby is hit and killed by a van, as he crossed the road to get his mail from the mailbox across the road. Again, Luca puts on an uncaring facade.

A few weeks later, his grandmother dies in the hospital. Luca, uncaringly, continues to play his video games, upon hearing the news. He was good at hiding his feelings

A new kid, Jackson, just moved into town, and wasn't liked by anyone, which made him a perfect friend for Luca. They had fun all summer, Jackson introduced Luca to new experiences, like breaking and entering, and other unlawful activities. As summer ended, tragedy struck again. Jackson was riding his bike, and was hit and thrown over a car, killing him on impact. All this was becoming too much for Luca, but he continued to stay within himself. Luca's grandfather decided to come to their house to stay for a bit. That night, he and Luca, whom had never really got along, stayed up late and had a long talk about life, about what Luca wanted to be, about Luca's mother, about his grandmother, about everything. The next day after his mom went to work, Luca decided he'd stay off school to spend time with his grandfather. When he got up, his grandfather was still sleeping, so he left him sleep, but when the firehouse siren went off and he still didn't wake up, Luca began to worry. He shook him. He was cold and lifeless. Luca freaked out. He called his mother and 911. Of course, he was already gone.

That was it for Luca. His fake face began to crack. He started cutting himself, every day. Alone in his room, it was the only thing that would help ease the pain and suffering and hurt that he felt inside....

He snapped back to reality and opened his hand and ran the razorblade across his arm, smiling at the blood as it ran to the surface. He closed his eyes as he cut more and more.